Todayapos;s inspirational music: In Between by Linkin Park.
Life has been hell lately and itapos;s just getting worse. Everything just keeps going downhill. Nothing is looking up at all. Not one thing seems to go the way it should. It seems my luck has finally run out forever.
Homecoming was a bust. We couldnapos;t even do anything. And I was dateless.
Ky is really pissed at me right because I told Ursula about all the crap Ky said about her. It just wasnapos;t right and Ky knows that Urs is closer to me. She shouldnapos;t expect me to listen to her bash my best friend. Itapos;s just not right. Now Ky is going around telling people Iapos;m a terrible person and Iapos;m fake.
I missed one day of school last week and it felt like I missed a month. Everything was screwed up when I got back. Dates changed, tons of homework, tests scheduled; all completely unnecessary.
My brother and my mom are fighting again. My brother was supposed to clean the house today before we got back from Jersey and he didnapos;t. Of course she took all her anger out on me. I called him and he was actually crying. Iapos;ve never seen my brother cry. My mom shouldnapos;t force me to choose sides between them. I always pick up the pieces after they fight. Everyone in the family asked me this weekend if he was going to college. Do they understand how hard it is for me to tell them that heapos;s not? To try to convince them that heapos;s not the failure theyapos;ll make him out to be? To make them realize that heapos;s doing the best he can? To show them that he actually has a job he enjoys? I hate seeing their disappointed faces when I tell them that heapos;s not going to college right now. Heapos;s not that type of person, but no one understands that. None of them want to understand that. They all think that he needs to go to college to be successful in his life. But he doesnapos;t. Thatapos;s not who he is.
My grandmother is visiting this week. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my father talk about himself. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my grandmother take pity on him. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my mother telling me how crazy itapos;s making her. I canapos;t handle all of that.
Iapos;ve gained a lot of weight. Itapos;s disgusting really. Iapos;m so depressed that I canapos;t even focus on being ana.
My depression is controlling me and itapos;s not a good thing at all. I canapos;t concentrate on anything. Not my friends, not my school work, not my family, not myself. My mom is getting mad because I come home from school everyday and am real short with everything. She keeps telling me to drop the attitude that isnapos;t really there. Itapos;s just me trying to avoid people. My dad keeps thinking I hate him. My brother is just looking for the sister I canapos;t be right now.
I really need to talk to my mom about seeing a psych. Iapos;m too afraid to mention it. I donapos;t even know how to bring it up or how to explain why. Iapos;m too afraid sheapos;ll be disappointed in me. Iapos;ve always tried to live up to her expectations. I donapos;t know what I would do if she was disappointed in me.
Iapos;m sorry about everything,
A Fall Too Many.
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