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Whoah
lots a things to do

1. Continuing my job; there are a lots of interview that I havenapos;t continue.
2. Write my plans for my manga club in university - umh -
3. My band we havenapos;t started practice yet oooh we have to covering Depravity Day from SADS. Itapos;s not because Iapos;m not able to sing, eumm.... Iapos;m too nervous
4. Our fansite aishwant to cry

but happily, my Kaiwa class now is canceling 8D aaah...actually I want to talk with Sanada Sensei about Nagoya, <3 she came from Nagoya and she is very nice.

un..
yesterday, I just has come to my home.
yeah, home.


and I heard and saw something thatapos;s very bad...I hate if when I come home, something bad come towards me. I hate.
and I said to my mother, "donapos;t be sad, Mum.." because I know sheapos;s very sad because of this situation.

have you ever feel something like.... Come to your own home?
feeling warm and safe there?
but what if sometime you cannot come home, and you felt everything is wrong, to come home or not. Youapos;re not in anywhere. Youapos;re lost.
and thatapos;s what I feel.

and every time I come home, Iapos;m the evil one.
my sister thinks Iapos;m an evil. I just bring something bad and anything.why do I have become someone that always doing everything wrong?

am I evil?to let my Mum depressed?
But itapos;s not my fault.
Bah
I hate
HATE

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My sister got her tattoos today they are "truth" on one wrist, and "beauty" on the other, in typewriter font. She sent me a picture, and it looks like it hurt so much. Its completely red and puffy.

today i drove to school. I parked in the parking lot, and hoped i wouldnapos;t get ticketed. I didnapos;t, thank goodness.
then i went to school and went to the library. I worked on my health paper a little, but still didnapos;t finish. Then in health she handed them back, and i asked if i could still hand mine in, and she said of course, so i am going to do it tonight.

after school was the first meeting of french club. I am glad i joined, cause it seems like it will be fun. Like i always wanted to learn french, and i love the culture and stuff, so this will be cool. Also my dream is to move to france. I know its a weird dream, but� something about it is just so appealing. Either france, or czech republic, or spain, or iceland or russia. Haha basically i think i would be happy anywhere in europe.

then i went to the tennis game. Really fun, but a bit cold.

i hung out there, then i went home. I made some ramen. I finished it and lauren came. We made her costume. I havenapos;t even started mine, and hers still isnt done. Tomorrow iapos;m working on carltons and laurens. Mine isnapos;t going to be done on time. Ugghh.

i think i will start working on it now. Byee
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I dont think i can handle julie anymore. She makes snide comments about how we raise our children. The current one, we are switching raven from bottle to cup (weird looking sippy cup that tips like a real cup) cold turkey, and sheapos;s making comments on the fact that raven is spilling more on her than she is getting in her mouth. Her comments were "great have to change the kid every time she takes a drink" and "thanks i wanted to wear it"

eric and her rearranged the livingroom late lastnight after i went to bed. I donapos;t like it, not one bit. Huge waste of space and the only thing that is going to happen, is that everything behind the couch will be the new dumping ground for everything eric doesnapos;t want to put away. Iapos;m freaking miserable in the livingroom, and i have to shut up and deal with it. I am not allowed to change it because julie is backing him up. They say everything is baby proofed, nothing is baby proofed, things are just hidden behind the couch. How is that going to help her learn when she goes places with heavy wooden tables in front of the couch?

anyway iapos;ve been up since 5:30 this morning so upset iapos;ve been shaking. I spent the day rearranging ravenapos;s room, putting robinapos;s crib together, made ravenapos;s bed a toddler bed, and put away clothes/got rid of clothes that wont fit. Finally ate for the first time today. And...

iapos;m freakin pissed off . I donapos;t like my living room. Grrrrrrrrrrrr

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Friday night Paul, Darra, and I went to check out the new iteration of Dizzy Issieapos;s, The Dizz. Dizzy Issieapos;s was sold at the end of last year or the beginning of this year and then was closed for several months while the new owners renamed it and revamped it. Anyone who watches Ace of Cakes should be familiar with this bar as it is directly across the street from Charm City Cakes and they have mentioned it many times on the show.

I only made it to Dizzy Issieapos;s once when it was open, so itapos;s hard to compare it to The Dizz. But I will do my best. Dizzy Issieapos;s definitely had a dive bar feel. Although I think the patronage is still pretty much the same (MICA students drinking and older longtime area residents enjoying the food), the space is definitely different. Itapos;s much nicer looking now. The floors have been redone, the tables are now all decorated with tablecloths and candles. Upstairs, gone is the pool table and scary looking couches. It is now entirely filled with dining tables.

As with Dizzy Issieapos;s the service was slow. I will commend them for bringing up a table out of the basement for us after we had been already been waiting awhile to be seated and it was obvious we were going to be waiting even longer. Partly I think because people were staying and drinking at their tables, and partly because of the aforementioned slow service. Itapos;s hard to turn over tables quickly when it takes a long time to order and subsequently get your food.

The food was pretty decent bar food. Pretty much on par from the one meal I remember eating at Dizzy Issieapos;s. There is a standard bar menu and then 2 pages worth of "specials" that are handwritten photocopies stuck in the front pocket of the menu. Based on the offerings on the specials pages Iapos;m guessing most of these specials are fairly permanent.

Paul was pleased because they had a special section set aside for vegetarians even if it wasnapos;t that big. He wound up ordering the veggie quesadillas, and he said they were ok, but nothing great.

Darra and I both ordered the Old Bay grilled chicken sandwich. I had been watching someone eat old bay wings while we were waiting and thinking they looked really tasty, but when I saw this on the menu I figured it was satisfy my old bay chicken craving but way healthier than wings. It was a tasty sandwich in my opinion. The sandwich was served with chips, but Darra and I both ordered sides. I had sweet potato fries and Darra had onion rings. They were both good.

Not a bad option for a cheap, tasty dinner out on the town. Just donapos;t expect to get out of there quickly.
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Once I had a friend. A guy friend specifically. I thought that he was a good one. But I was wrong.

He was currently my classmate. This begun when one day, that night, I asked him through Yahoo Messenger since he is online, how to go a place within their vicinity assuming that he knows how. He did not know. Then after I thanked him, he asked me if we have problems regarding our group. How come he knew that we had problem? He noticed that something has change in our group. That day, I was also having a problem with my friend and I really need someone to talk to. Just someone to listen to me. He seems to be offering himself the way he asked me about my problem, so I decided to shared it to him.

So we started to to talked at YM. It was early midnight that time and Iapos;m almost tired of typing to him the stories so I offered if we can just talk at the telephone if its ok with him and asked for his telephone number. He agreed then afterwards, I called him to continue our interrupted conversation. I do not know what is with him but he easily got my trust and I became comfortable with him. We talked for about 4 hours in the telephone.

It was my first time to talked at the phone that long and with a guy. So I joke him that he was the record holder for the longest hours of talking with a guy. After a week, we talked again. And I apologized to him for telling my friend what he told me that I thought it was ok to tell it to my bestfriend but he was shocked because why did I tell it to anyone. It was not a big deal anyway. But I really apologized to him and I told him that I will treat him as my payment for what I had done to him. So he agreed.

Since then, I considered him as one of my close friend even if we just talked to 2 weeks. I used to tell him what happened to me. As if he was my walking diary. I was the one who call to him. I think for others it was not right to do but so what, weapos;re just friends.

I thought that he was angry to me because he was ignoring me that day. So I talked to him and asked him if he was still angry to me for what I have done the last time. Still I cannot understand why I almost cry that time when I was apologizing to him. Damn When he saw me that I am going to cry, he hugged me. While I am enjoying the scene, I asked him if can I also hug him.

Damn Am I really out of my mind?? I think I am crazy that time because why did I took advantage of the situation?

Afterwards, he told me that he will send a message so that I can call to him later. Then I went home. I am excited to tell him what I should tell him. But he was tired that time so maybe the next day.

Next day, when Iapos;ve send a text message asking if it is alright to call him and have some chit chat, he replied to me that the girlfriend was calling him tonight. GIRLFRIEND??? I was surprised that time because for that I did not know that he already had a girlfriend. Because he was not telling me anything from our previous conversation. I donapos;t know how to react when I read that. Suddenly, tears were running down to my face. I am asking myself "why I am crying? Do I like my friend?" I donapos;t know why I feel that way but I continue to cry. "Am I inlove with him?" His text message did really affect me. I called my highschool bestfriend because I really donapos;t know what to do. So while I was crying, I asked him jokingly that why he havenapos;t told me that he has a girlfriend. He answered by telling me that Iapos;m not asking him.

He has the point. But why would I ask such question? Maybe Iapos;m just expecting that he will like me. Since that incident, he started to change. How come I have said that? Before, since we talked at the phone, he pat me at says apos;heyapos;. When we saw each other at the corridor, we greet each other. Now, he did was even looking at me. Or when our eyes met, he just ignore me.

Since then, I realized that he was avoiding me. I first thought that if it because that I broke his trust to me? He told me that itrsquo;s ok with him because its already done. I have assumptions why he do that. First, maybe he noticed that I like him. According to my friend, itapos;s a guy instinct. Maybe he assumed that I really like him. Second, maybe because he had a girlfriend. Lastly, he may share it to his other friends his instinct that I have crush on him and maybe his friends agree to him.

I realized that I was too good to him. He might misinterpreted it. But, I really do not like what he did. I have accepted that heapos;s taken. But what I do not understand is that he forgot that weapos;re friends even if we were just starting to be close that time???? I had treated him as one of my close friend and then he will just ignore me? He leave me hanging somewhere.

One day, after my friendrsquo;s party, I went home late and suddenly, I send him a text message. I donapos;t know why. I asked apos;Hello, how are you?apos; Then he replied: apos;Who is this?apos; Damn For the second time, he asked me who am I? I knew that he knows my cell phone number because I used to send him friendly messages, jokes etc. I immediately dialed his number. I do not know why I did that. It just came to my mind. He picked up the phone. So I asked him how come he did not saved my number in his phone. He told me that his memory is already full. I donapos;t believe his effinapos; reason I know that he just want to be believe him that. But how come he chose my number??? I know he did that intentionally.

So I told him that I just called to have someone to talk with. He told me that: ldquo;Just talk to (gave names). Based on his answer, he did not really want to talk to me anymore. So I bid goodbye to him. That was the last time we talked. Still, I cannot believe that he is ignoring to me for unknown reason. What I think unfair for my part because he talks to my friend. They were friends first before us so I donrsquo;t care. But there are times at I am jealous with my friend because he talked to her. But I should not feel like that. I have told to one of my groupmates that I had a friend who suddenly did not talk to me for no reason at all. He told me that ldquo;Itrsquo;s not your lostrdquo;. That line really struck me, Irsquo;d realized. Yeah, itrsquo;s not my lost. I know that I did not do anything wrong to him.

I just got a rumor that he changed his YM ID. I feel that he change that because he has a feeling that I stalked him in the YM.

Now, just recently, when I was entering to our classroom, coincidentally, he opened to door and wait for me to get inside. I tried to stare at him expecting to have a ny reaction but unconsciously I nod at him but he did not react. After that, I have realized that I am an idiot because why did I still nod to him the fact that he was ignoring me. Still, unconsciously, I am waiting for him to talk to me again.

Now, I do not regret that I have told him my resolved problem. I do not want to blame myself for what I showed to him, it wonrsquo;t change anything. I believe this happen for a reason. Itapos;s not really my lost.

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Todayapos;s inspirational music: In Between by Linkin Park.

Life has been hell lately and itapos;s just getting worse. Everything just keeps going downhill. Nothing is looking up at all. Not one thing seems to go the way it should. It seems my luck has finally run out forever.

Homecoming was a bust. We couldnapos;t even do anything. And I was dateless.

Ky is really pissed at me right because I told Ursula about all the crap Ky said about her. It just wasnapos;t right and Ky knows that Urs is closer to me. She shouldnapos;t expect me to listen to her bash my best friend. Itapos;s just not right. Now Ky is going around telling people Iapos;m a terrible person and Iapos;m fake.

I missed one day of school last week and it felt like I missed a month. Everything was screwed up when I got back. Dates changed, tons of homework, tests scheduled; all completely unnecessary.

My brother and my mom are fighting again. My brother was supposed to clean the house today before we got back from Jersey and he didnapos;t. Of course she took all her anger out on me. I called him and he was actually crying. Iapos;ve never seen my brother cry. My mom shouldnapos;t force me to choose sides between them. I always pick up the pieces after they fight. Everyone in the family asked me this weekend if he was going to college. Do they understand how hard it is for me to tell them that heapos;s not? To try to convince them that heapos;s not the failure theyapos;ll make him out to be? To make them realize that heapos;s doing the best he can? To show them that he actually has a job he enjoys? I hate seeing their disappointed faces when I tell them that heapos;s not going to college right now. Heapos;s not that type of person, but no one understands that. None of them want to understand that. They all think that he needs to go to college to be successful in his life. But he doesnapos;t. Thatapos;s not who he is.

My grandmother is visiting this week. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my father talk about himself. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my grandmother take pity on him. All week Iapos;m going to have to listen to my mother telling me how crazy itapos;s making her. I canapos;t handle all of that.

Iapos;ve gained a lot of weight. Itapos;s disgusting really. Iapos;m so depressed that I canapos;t even focus on being ana.

My depression is controlling me and itapos;s not a good thing at all. I canapos;t concentrate on anything. Not my friends, not my school work, not my family, not myself. My mom is getting mad because I come home from school everyday and am real short with everything. She keeps telling me to drop the attitude that isnapos;t really there. Itapos;s just me trying to avoid people. My dad keeps thinking I hate him. My brother is just looking for the sister I canapos;t be right now.

I really need to talk to my mom about seeing a psych. Iapos;m too afraid to mention it. I donapos;t even know how to bring it up or how to explain why. Iapos;m too afraid sheapos;ll be disappointed in me. Iapos;ve always tried to live up to her expectations. I donapos;t know what I would do if she was disappointed in me.

Iapos;m sorry about everything,

A Fall Too Many.

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